Thursday, April 30, 2015

Can We Stop?

I don't want to do this anymore. This whole cancer thing. I just want to make it go away. I'll give up all my "daily delights" for the rest of my life if I can just not be sick.

I called Ambry Genetics this morning to ask about the status of my tests. I talked to Mario (I instantly liked him because that's the name of one of my very close friends). "Mario, work with me, please tell me something," I said. He wouldn't reveal much. He said, "Your test is marked stat, but technically we have until May 8th to report findings. I can tell you that from what I see you should hear sooner than that." I pressed a little further for my BRCA info. He said the BRCA testing is finished! "Tell me the results. Talk to me in code," I  joked (sort of). "Sorry, you have to wait to hear from the ordering physician." Well, poops. My Mario would have told me everything.

So here I sit and wait. I mean it's only the difference of a double mastectomy or not. Not like it's any big deal. I can wait a day or a week more. Moving along, I guess.

In other irritating news, a nurse called from CIGNA last night. She had my surgery information all screwy in her system. They have me down for a mastectomy on May 11. That was so annoying. And her dog was barking in the background. I get you work from home. I do, too. But if we're discussing removing my body parts go someplace quiet and get your facts straight. I mean.

So what should I do with my junky mood today? I can own it. No one would begrudge me a bad day or a full-out tantrum. I can pray it away and meditate on God's kindness. Or, I can pull a seat straight up to Jesus and just sit with him and cry a while. He knows how I feel. He gets every bit of fear and frustration. He knows my despair. And He loves me no matter what -- smiley, positive, "let's-do-this" me; or sad, worried, "I'm-so-over-this" me. The beauty is I can always be "me" with Him. And you can always be "you." Don't ever think you have to clean yourself up to talk to God. He specializes in desperation, messes, and lost causes.

Prayer Requests:

  • BRCA results "stater than stat" so I can prepare.
  • An end to my migraine.
  • That God would pour out His blessings on those who are so generous to me. (I still don't have the words to thank you, but I know God sees your kindness and is smiling at you. I pray you feel that today in a very real way!)

Until I have more news, 


"From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety." Psalm 61:2

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