Sunday, May 17, 2015

How I Really Feel

People are asking how I really feel. I'm not sure how to answer that because I feel so many things.

1. Sore.
2. Swollen. (Such heavy pressure on my chest.)
3. Itchy.
4. Oozy.
5. Foggy.
6. Flushed.
7. Sad (that my scars are so ugly.)
8. Scared (that this could be just the start.)
9. Glad (that surgery went well.)
10. Thankful.
11. Mellow.
12. Hushed. (My voice is still very weak.)
13. Hot.
14. Cold.
15. Hot.
16. Cold.
17. Sleepy.
18. Distant.
19. Disgusting.
20. Desperate (for my parents to never leave.)
21. Distracted.
22. Hopeful.
23. Eager (for pathology reports.)
24. Restless.
25. Loved. Loved. Loved.

"And the greatest of these is love." I do feel loved. So loved that I'm having a hard time taking it all in, accepting all the generosity, and believing that I'm really deserving of this. Someone anonymously sent me their paycheck to add to my medical fund -- $708.22 -- because they said I've "demonstrated the difference between knowing God and living a personal relationship with God" and "for that they'll always be grateful." I cried when I read their note. I'm so inspired they honored the God-prompt, but feel so unfit to accept someone's payment for a week's worth of work. (THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS FRIEND.) And while I feel particularly unworthy of that specific beautiful gesture, I also feel unfit for all of this attention. All the donations. All the kind words. I appreciate them, but I don't want this to be all about me. May I always point you back to the One who does deserve all that love and attention. Everything good you see in me comes from Him. 

May I honor your love, His love through you, and pay ALL of this forward someday...

Climbing back in bed,
(3 days post-surgery)

"Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom." Psalm 145:3

No comments:

Post a Comment