Tuesday, May 19, 2015

No Control

It's Day Six Post-Op. I've switched my Percocet to Tylenol (hooray), but I'm still struggling to perform basic tasks (boo). This is hard for me because I love balancing a busy family, work, and volunteer opportunities. I love to be involved in everything! But right now I can't even shower on my own. The pace of my life that used to run at a steady clip is now barely stumbling along. And yet the days fly by faster than ever. Just as I start to feel ready to take on the day, it's night time. 

I have no control of anything. None of us really has control of anything, but now I can't even enjoy the illusion of having control. (That's what you have right now as you zip from place to place, project to project, person to person. You have the illusion that you are in control of your life. I'm sorry to inform you otherwise if this comes as a fresh revelation.)

I am a total control freak, Type A personality. I literally just sent my sick kid to the doctor with my parents with two instructional notes. I may or may not have included one for the doctor suggesting some of her diagnostic procedures. (I did.) It's okay to laugh. I laughed at myself! I'm laughing and learning -- learning to let go of control. It's a daily battle with or without cancer.

The reason I like to be in control (or pretend I am) is because I believe I can do it better. And sometimes I actually can! But I've learned I can never do it better than God. His plan is perfect. I don't always understand it. Sometimes it breaks my heart. Yet I love Him and I trust Him. How do I know He can be trusted? Because His track record of showing up for me is 100%. He has carried me through 11 years of parenting a special needs child, nine years of parenting a "typical" child who's extremely messy and dramatic (smile), and 15 years of marriage of two very imperfect people. He also rescued me from deep despair when my younger brother died unexpectedly. I have turned to Him over every big and every small issue, and He has always comforted me and helped me emerge stronger than before. 

Do you struggle with control issues? What can you turn over to God today? 

The truth is God will be in control whether you give Him control or not. Yet there is great freedom in acknowledging His presence and power in your life. Great freedom for you and great joy for Him. Friends and fellow control freaks, He can be trusted with your all of it.


P.S. My parents just called. The doctor apparently agreed with my suggestion. It was a sweet reward as I had given it to God that if she didn't order a chest x-ray I would lay aside my anxiety that Landon may have hidden pneumonia. Now I'm praying he doesn't have it, but if so, God will get us through that, too...
(Update: Landon did have pneumonia.)
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

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