That's right. I have no where to be and nothing to do. I just lay here in the hospital, take lots of drugs, and attempt simultaneously to fight to live and allow my sick parts to die. Which is worse cancer or chemo? I don't know. (And you with the holistic remedies, thank you. Thank you kindly, but you can stop now. I've seen them all 100 times. I'm chin-deep in this traditional medicine treatment plan, and I chose this nasty path on purpose... because I think it will work. So thank you, but no.)
Looking like a freak show and not having anything to do really bothers me. I've always been a person who defined myself by two things -- how I look and what I could accomplish.
- Having a good hair day? "You go girl."
- Catch someone's eye on the street? "You still got it, mama!"
- Have a productive day at work? "You're valuable to the team."
- Improve organizational efficiency? "You made a difference today!"
I'm.Ugly.Sick.And.Not.Useful. (Now don't blow sunshine up my skirt. This isn't a pity party. I'm just keeping it real here as I always do.) I'm very tempted to say I have no value. But God has taught me something important through this messy sickness! Get this: There is a big difference between my self-worth (what I think I'm worth) and my true, eternal value that comes through God. I may not think I'm worth much right now, and that's exactly what the evil one would love me to start believing.
Sorry, Satan, my value comes intrinsically from my creation by and connection to the Most High God. God says I'm worth a whole lot -- worth dying for actually -- and He says I don't have to look a certain way or do anything at all to be loved or valued. Even in my hospital bed, looking like a circus sideshow, I am good enough I.AM.ENOUGH. HE.VALUES.ME.
Do you ever get mixed up in what makes you feel good about yourself and what makes you feel valuable? How do you define your worth? Is it tied to:
- what people say about you? ... or don't acknowledge.
- how thin, stylish, beautiful you look? ... or don't look.
- how well things are going at work? ... or aren't.
- how high your grades are and your slew of personal accomplishments? ... or not.
- how many friends you have? .... or don't.
- how much money you have in the bank? ... or don't.
- how many likes and retweets you've had today? ... or didn't.
Let's make His voice the loudest one in the room.
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. - Colossians 3:12
P.S If this doesn't make sense, I blame the morphine. If it really ministered to you today, then THANK GOD because it certainly wasn't my sharp mind that wrote this.