Friday, August 14, 2015

Voices

The nurse just woke me up for vital signs and more meds. I asked her what time it was. She said six. "Better get up and get moving," I chirped. "You have no where to go. Stay in the bed and rest," she told me. Total buzz kill.

That's right. I have no where to be and nothing to do. I just lay here in the hospital, take lots of drugs, and attempt simultaneously to fight to live and allow my sick parts to die. Which is worse cancer or chemo? I don't know. (And you with the holistic remedies, thank you. Thank you kindly, but you can stop now. I've seen them all 100 times.  I'm chin-deep in this traditional medicine treatment plan, and I chose this nasty path on purpose... because I think it will work. So thank you, but no.)

Looking like a freak show and not having anything to do really bothers me. I've always been a person who defined myself by two things -- how I look and what I could accomplish.
  • Having a good hair day? "You go girl."
  • Catch someone's eye on the street? "You still got it, mama!"
  • Have a productive day at work? "You're valuable to the team."
  • Improve organizational efficiency? "You made a difference today!"
This self-talk is very positive, but it's entirely conditional. So now what? I'm bald. I'm swollen. My head is covered with what looks like a third-world disease. I'm on a leave of absence from work from an organization and job I adore... and sometimes I feel like I'm on a leave of absence at home. Other women are cooking my meals. My husband is doing everything to keep the Gregory ship afloat.. And my kids are going to other people with their problems. Do I bring any value at all to the world? (Of course I know I do, but...)

I'm.Ugly.Sick.And.Not.Useful. (Now don't blow sunshine up my skirt. This isn't a pity party. I'm just keeping it real here as I always do.) I'm very tempted to say I have no value. But God has taught me something important through this messy sickness! Get this: There is a big difference between my self-worth (what I think I'm worth) and my true, eternal value that comes through God. I may not think I'm worth much right now, and that's exactly what the evil one would love me to start believing.

Sorry, Satan, my value comes intrinsically from my creation by and connection to the Most High God. God says I'm worth a whole lot -- worth dying for actually -- and He says I don't have to look a certain way or do anything at all to be loved or valued. Even in my hospital bed, looking like a circus sideshow, I am good enough  I.AM.ENOUGH.  HE.VALUES.ME. 

Do you ever get mixed up in what makes you feel good about yourself and what makes you feel valuable? How do you define your worth? Is it tied to:
  • what people say about you? ... or don't acknowledge.
  • how thin, stylish, beautiful you look? ... or don't look.
  • how well things are going at work? ... or aren't.
  • how high your grades are and your slew of personal accomplishments? ... or not.
  • how many friends you have? .... or don't.
  • how much money you have in the bank? ... or don't.
  • how many likes and retweets you've had today? ... or didn't.
Don't blindly trust what you're telling yourself. Your value is not tied to anyone's opinion of you -- not even your own! God's voice always trumps your own self-talk. He calls you chosen, redeemed, valued, loved, His child, cherished, and blameless in Christ.

Let's make His voice the loudest one in the room.

Love, 
Emily

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. - Colossians 3:12


P.S If this doesn't make sense, I blame the morphine. If it really ministered to you today, then THANK GOD because it certainly wasn't my sharp mind that wrote this.

5 comments:

  1. Hang in there. I am a few months ahead of you but on a very similar journey, having been diagnosed in January 2015. I started a blog that I've not been as faithful to as you have - iwillrockpink.com I appreciate you sharing your experiences and spiritual insights. Maybe my blog will be helpful to you in some way. Sending you prayers.

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    1. I love your blog, Jennifer. I've consulted it many times to see what to expect. You are a warrior!

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    2. I love your blog, Jennifer. I've consulted it many times to see what to expect. You are a warrior!

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  2. You're an inspiration! Hold Fast, Dear Emily.

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