My doctor said the chemotherapy nearly killed me. Yup. "Recover from your near death experience," he said. Awesome. So I can't schedule surgery now. That's right: the chemo that I prayed against, for the cancer that I prayed against, actually almost killed me, and now the process that should have "cured" this "easy, early" cancer drags on. "Your body needs more time to get stronger," he said. More time. More time. MORE TIME. I want my life back.
In addition, my doctors chose a medication combo and nutrition regimen for me to help stop any remaining cancer cells from spreading. Basically, we're trying to starve them of what makes them grow -- estrogen, progesterone, and sugar. Sweet treats aside, hormone blockers = menopause symptoms = NOT FUN.
I'm having a bit of a hard time with this all (colossal understatement) because I kinda like the things that make me feel like a woman -- the girly hormones, the curvy figure (I'll be losing much of it soon), the (already gone) pretty hair, the sweet, feminine disposition, the cooking for my family MY way, and the feeling that I don't want to join an underground Fight Club.
That's right -- I am every menopausal stereotype in one tearful, angry, ugly mess. You don't want to talk to me. Seriously, you don't. Don't come over either. And, by the way, I don't like these all-natural hygiene products. This all-natural deodorant makes me stink. I want chemicals and preservatives and completely unnatural substances like everyone else. I want to look and smell like a girl -- instead of like a bloated, bald dude who just mowed the lawn. (Nothing against bald dudes. I happen to adore a few, but I AM NOT ONE, and lately I resemble one more and more.)
So yeah. I'm mad. Mad in the furious way, and I'm pretty sure, mad in the crazy way. Lord, help me.... Oh, but You DID help me. While I complained about hospitalization and how terrible I felt, You were sustaining my very life... and I didn't even know it. Let alone thank You for it.
That's the thing with God. He never gets credit for the things we don't see Him doing. He doesn't get thanked for the car accident that didn't happen, the illness your family avoided, the tornado that never touched down in your neighborhood. He protects us all the time, and we blindly and ever so arrogantly, dismiss His work on our behalf. Find a way to thank Him today -- for something or for the nothing that never happened. Just do it. He deserves it.
As for me, I'm taking all my tears and my BIG BAD attitude (along with my confession and my thanks) to Him. He loves me. He knows me. He's the only one I'm letting in right now. No one else can come here. Thankfully, oh so thankfully, He's the only one I need.
Gimme a minute. Joy cometh.
Preaching to myself (and you if you need it):
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." - Isaiah 40:28-30