Tuesday, October 20, 2015

I Don't Know

I don't know what I want to say. I don't know how to think straight most days. The one thing I do know is that I want to keep pointing you to the One who puts breath in my lungs each morning. Thank you, Jesus. 

Over the past 10 days or so, I've started to adjust to my new "normal" with my medication. I've had four days in a row in which I actually felt great. I immediately started to feel guilty. "You're sick," I chided myself. "You're not supposed to feel great. Go be dreadful somewhere."

Thankfully, I was quick to realize these thoughts and feelings were not of God. It's okay to smile and laugh and start to have energy again. It's actually my job right now -- to get stronger and prepare my body, mind, and soul for what I pray is the final breast cancer frontier... surgery.

My surgery will be Tuesday, November 17. We saw my doctor last week. I told him I had started to grow hair again, my bruises from August were finally healing, and I was feeling stronger overall. I was ready to set a date. "I want this over with, and I want my life back. Let's do it," I grinned and clapped (in a "chop-chop" sort of way). Sounds so silly now...

He cautioned me that a double mastectomy is not something that can be rushed through physically or emotionally. "I don't want you to underestimate this," he said. "This is the culmination of everything you've been through so far. You're losing your breasts." So what I was thinking of as the final box to quickly check off my list is probably more like the grand finale (and not a very grand one, I might add).

This revelation got me thinking. How often in my life do I try to rush through something unpleasant or painful?  No one likes pain. I'm not talking about relishing it (for sympathy) or wallowing in it (self-pity). I'm talking about dealing with it -- the pain, the problem, the consequences -- head on. Feeling the ugly feelings. Praying the tearful prayers. Doing the HARD WORK of getting through the thing... and getting closer to God in the process. 

Whatever you're going through, let me encourage you. Don't "chop-chop" your way through your struggle. Confront your addiction. Dig out of that financial pit. Heal those broken relationships. Stare your adversity straight in the face and say, "What can I learn? How can I make this better? What would be pleasing to God?"

I don't know what you're dealing with, but the point is, deal with it. Or you'll spend months and years in bondage to it. Make today the day you stop wishing things were different. They're not. Do the hard work, learn the big lesson. Then share the takeaway and give God the glory.

No matter what is going on in your life: He is for you. He is faithful. He is worthy of your praise.


I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:14

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