Thursday, October 27, 2016

I Forgot

Every so often, on the rare occasions I do sleep well, I wake up feeling refreshed and at peace. 

It happened last weekend when I was away with my husband and some friends in the mountains. I woke up, and I felt fantastic! I forgot I was ever sick and the concerns I still have for my health. I woke up feeling like the old me -- the Emily before cancer, the Emily before chaos. It lasted about a minute or so. 

That moment of forgetfulness felt like oxygen to my soul. I could breathe with ease because I wasn't tense with discomfort or worry. I cried a few wet, trailing tears once I remembered. The memories fell on me afresh as I traced all my scars with the tips of my fingers. 

And then I became frustrated with myself. Because in that moment that I forgot cancer, I also forgot God's faithfulness, His healing hand, and His promises for my future. I forgot it all.

Where does your mind tend to take you? What do you remember? What do you forget? 
  • Do you focus on the pain of your past?
  • Do you fixate on your losses?
  • Do you drag around your guilt and shame -- from place to place, relationship to relationship?  

At different points in my life I could have raised my hand as a "yes" to each of those questions. It takes time and hard work to train your mind to focus on: 
  • the good instead of the bad 
  • the redemption instead of the regret
  • the life instead of the loss

I don't want to look forward to the fleeting moments in which I forget everything I've been through. Instead, I want to remain in a posture of gratitude for what God has done. I want to abide in the "now" of my healing. I want to be as excited today as I was when I first heard the words "cancer free" last November. I want to remember where I was so I can remember how far I've come. 

You may not be where you want to be, but you're probably further along than you were a year ago... or a decade ago. Let's remember what was, so we can honor what is. 

Remembering His Goodness and Grace,

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe. - Hebrews 12:28

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