Every so often, on the rare occasions I do sleep well, I wake up feeling refreshed and at peace.
It happened last weekend when I was away with my husband and some friends in the mountains. I woke up, and I felt fantastic! I forgot I was ever sick and the concerns I still have for my health. I woke up feeling like the old me -- the Emily before cancer, the Emily before chaos. It lasted about a minute or so.
That moment of forgetfulness felt like oxygen to my soul. I could breathe with ease because I wasn't tense with discomfort or worry. I cried a few wet, trailing tears once I remembered. The memories fell on me afresh as I traced all my scars with the tips of my fingers.
And then I became frustrated with myself. Because in that moment that I forgot cancer, I also forgot God's faithfulness, His healing hand, and His promises for my future. I forgot it all.
Where does your mind tend to take you? What do you remember? What do you forget?
- Do you focus on the pain of your past?
- Do you fixate on your losses?
- Do you drag around your guilt and shame -- from place to place, relationship to relationship?
At different points in my life I could have raised my hand as a "yes" to each of those questions. It takes time and hard work to train your mind to focus on:
- the good instead of the bad
- the redemption instead of the regret
- the life instead of the loss
I don't want to look forward to the fleeting moments in which I forget everything I've been through. Instead, I want to remain in a posture of gratitude for what God has done. I want to abide in the "now" of my healing. I want to be as excited today as I was when I first heard the words "cancer free" last November. I want to remember where I was so I can remember how far I've come.
You may not be where you want to be, but you're probably further along than you were a year ago... or a decade ago. Let's remember what was, so we can honor what is.
Remembering His Goodness and Grace,