Saturday, October 29, 2016

Scanxiety

I didn't coin the term so please don't give me the credit. Some poor soul having yet another scan probably came up with "scanxiety" to describe the worry and the angst that comes with cancer and chronic illness.

Oh, but it's real. It's so real. I'm suffering from a pretty nasty case of "scanxiety" at the moment. My next CT scan is Thursday. The scan will measure the spot on my lung and see if it has grown.

Here are the desired outcomes: entirely accurate, and completely gone or exactly the same (in size). Anything else could mean more tests, more stress, more... -- I won't even say it. You know how to pray for me so please do.

This is a good time to remind you of who I really am. After someone mentioned last week that they thought I "had it all together," I felt compelled to set the record straight. The only thing "perfect" about me is that I'm a perfect mess. Just like everyone else.

Please don't ever mistake my reliance on God for bravery or courage in my own strength. I have neither of those. Not a smidgen. I'm a born worrier, not a born warrior. My mind goes to the worst case scenario every. single. time.

How do I combat my anxiety? If you think I spring out of bed, chirp out a pretty prayer, and skip into my day, you're wrong. It takes consistent action and discipline on my part to combat fear. Staying in God's word, constantly whispering prayers (or sometimes falling on my face in prayer), and practicing intentional, daily worship have become my weapons of choice.

I turn over my anxiety to God constantly -- sometimes every day, sometimes every hour. During weeks like this one, it will likely be every few minutes. And you know what? While I hate the anxiety, I love the close communion with God. He has me in a place in which I know how desperately I need Him. There's something special about the level of intimacy and dependence you get to experience when you walk the really hard roads of life with God. I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I don't know what you're going through, but I bet you're going through something -- something that makes you afraid for yourself or someone else, or something that makes you uncertain of what to do next. What can you do today to fix your eyes completely on Him? That's where you'll find your peace and joy despite your circumstances.

Turning it over again and again,
Emily

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

3 comments:

  1. You can count on it: an abundance of prayers daily for one of God's special women. XXX

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  2. Merry Christmas to you, Tony and the kids. Love, CC.

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